Oh, these magnificent Finns! How much colorless eighty-proof liquid must one consume to come up with something like this?! While listening to this record, a smile spreads across your face and your eyes fill with admiration for the musicians' unbridled imagination. Before we walk through all 9 tracks, a few words about the creators. The booklet reveals no real names, and we have no direct contact with these fellows, but our intelligence reports that this miracle was birthed by trolls and drunks from such well-known Suomi bands as FINNTROLL and IMPALED NAZARENE. And now, let's savor each candy-coated track!
Epithimia Gia Athanasia The opening intro -- a keyboard composition, a typical overture for a New Year's fairy tale.
Riddles Without Answers & Celestial Mechanics The beginning carries us to cosmic distances on the wings of space electro, then a cheerful, rollicking orchestral insert (the kind found on FINNTROLL's full-length "Jaktens Tid") makes you think you're watching a comedy or a funny cartoon. But then mean guys appear in the cartoon and say: "ARRRRRGGHHHH!!!!" Scared? Heh-heh. Of course -- who wouldn't be frightened by a mixture of techno, symphony, and death metal? OK, relax -- the cartoon soundtrack continues. Rested up? Here we go: "AAARRGHHH!!!" The last 3 minutes we spend relaxing in a basement with pipes that keep hissing with escaping steam. What's that knocking? Is that my heart pounding? I don't like this little basement. Mom!! What are those voices? Man, it wouldn't take long to lose your mind down here.
Phobos IV The opening is typical cyber thrash metal. Wait, what are those Eastern elements in the music? Oh, an old record? Damn, why is it warping? Ah, cyber thrash is visiting again. And now measured cyber death. The voices have become distinct -- some kind of sect is gathering in this basement! These guys are not to be trifled with. From around the corner, besides the screams of the leader and the crowd, you can hear a TV news anchor. Silence... Ah!.. Aah!.. Damn, I need to find a way out before they find me.
Point-Black Avenue & Unbirthday Song - The Ultimate Ordeal We escape the basement. What a grimy neighborhood -- how did I end up here? And tonight is particularly gloomy. A woman's scream! A gunshot! Run for it at breakneck speed!!! ...Huff-huff! Phew! Is that an ambulance coming, or the police? Who's that around the corner? Bolt!!! Phew! Damn, I'm out of breath. Seems quiet now. Looks like some guy's having a birthday around here. Wait -- his song isn't exactly cheerful. Friends didn't show up? Hey, what's he singing? "Happy unbirthday to me." Maybe I misheard? Bang! A lump rises in my throat. Now it really is quiet...
To Kill A Friend We trudge on. What pleasant, peaceful sounds waft from around the corner. Oh, what a lovely little restaurant. Let's go in. Man, it feels like stepping into postwar Paris. Yeah, keep dreaming. A brown-eyed brunette starts singing to a backing track of a processed voice, then her partner emerges from the door, launching into our kind of fare -- electronic/metal -- with a juicy growl. Oh, thank God (the Devil, Allah -- underline as appropriate), the brunette is singing normally again. Hey, not a bad little duet. Oops, more gunfire. We all living in America, America, damn it... But nobody seems to pay attention here anymore, and once again I hear the melody that lured me into this corner of paradise amid an ocean of hell. And here's the cabaret! Who turned on the TV? Turn it off, don't interfere! The voices in my head are blending together. The growler, the brunette, a choir, that electronic voice again. The smoke comprising the bulk of this room's atmosphere clouds the mind. The growler, the brunette, a choir, that electronic voice again... Zzz.
H8 Universal Aaah! No, the ceiling isn't collapsing. I was woken up by a performance from local death/grind star H8 Universal. They probably borrowed their name from a laundry detergent or some other cleaning product. Noisy lads, no question.
Vaptisma Tis Gnosis I'm asleep again. My mind drifts far, far away... A child's voice...
Digital Satan I wake up from the heat. What the--?! This is Hell! At least that's what the sign says. Though I'd pictured it somewhat differently. Ah, now I see what's going on. Hell has been seriously renovated: fresh decor, new equipment. And I've arrived just in time for the grand unveiling! They even replaced the Devil. It is the 21st century, after all -- IT and all that. Here's the head of the upgraded Hell himself, breaking into song. So this is you -- Digital Satan! Oh, the Devil is inviting us on a tour. Hey, why did the door slam shut behind us? Hey, I can't see a thing! Ohhh!! I'm falling! Hurtling!! Mommm!!! Oh wait, it's fine. I'm in a little cart, it turns out. Quite the joker, your anti-majesty! It's fun down here in Hell. And hot! Over there, the sinners have struck up a chorus. Repenting, are they? Too late, ha-ha! And here we are, back at the entrance. A gloomy little corridor. Dripping walls, bats on the ceiling.
Lex Praedatorius - Eaters Of The Weak All demonic power, the entire demonic kingdom swirls around me. A parade of devils, a witches' choir, the Master of Hell takes the lead vocal. Done raging to furious death metal, switching to symphonic? "Hee-hee-hee," Satan giggled. And off we go!!! I feel like I've completely lost my mind. The witches' choir again, devils and assorted fiends. The Devil... In my head I hear the agonized screams of sinners in hell. BEGONE!!! ...Zzz... Peaceful slumber...
I can already see the disapproving looks. Laid it on thick, did I? But this masterpiece truly turns your brain inside out!!! By the way, the booklet contains lyrics. But I didn't read them -- I wanted the freedom to let my imagination run wild. And each chapter was born as I listened. Having begun my story, I couldn't predict how it would end...
Get this album by all means!!! A cyber/electronic/symphonic/thrash/death/noise/grind brainwashing is guaranteed!!!